The stream of consciousnesses that is...
It's been ages since I blogged, and part of the problem is that so much has happened, and I have so many thoughts, but none of it is really linked together, you know?
I could tell you about how Jamey crapped in the cat's litter box because both of our potties were occupied. When I found him, crouching over the litter box waiting to be wiped, I didn't know whether to laugh or scream. "But I was gonna poop my pants!" he exclaimed. Or I could tell you how he announced: "I have changed Caleb's name. It is now Johnson." (Caleb is one of his best buddies, the son of one of my best buddies - shout out to Dawson!)
I could tell you about the time John just opened the side door and peed out onto the steps because, well...I have no idea why or how I have so clearly failed to teach my little sons where it's appropriate to pee or poop. I could tell you that Johnnycakes turned five, and I can't even figure out how that happened. I could also mention how I found John leading James in the great paintball disaster of 2012: stomping old brittle paintballs all over the newly cleaned and swept garage floor. Or how the clean up of that backfired because using scrub brushes to slop soapy water over the mess and scrub it up was not a punishment, but good fun.
I could also mention how while James was sitting in a timeout on the stairs for throwing something at John, he spied Anna's American Girl doll, and a pair of scissors. Need I say more? WHILE IN TIME-OUT for goodness' sake! Why were there scissors on the stairs, you might ask? I have no freakin' idea. With five kids, things are rarely where they are supposed to be.
I also could mention that I had my first emergency room trip for what seemed to be a fairly real emergency...Anna B hurt her foot really badly on our friend's trampoline. It swelled and turned ugly colors, and she couldn't bear any weight on it. Thankfully, we were down in Hunterdon County, staying with the Dawsons, due to the fact that it was VBS week at church, and Sophie and I were volunteers, plus all the kids were participating. It started very early in the morning, and we live far away. Since I was down in my hometown area, I knew how to get to the hospital and all. So one ER trip, xray, and orthopedist visit later, Anna's foot was deemed a sprain, and she's in a brace.
I could tell you how Dan bought a 500,000 btu propane garden torch for burning weeds, and we singed quite a few veggies. Oops.
I might mention about how I have finished school this year with 4 outta 5 kids. One is still wrapping up her favorite subjects of Math and Science (I hope I didn't get you wet with my dripping sarcasm).
Another possible topic would be how excited I am for school next year; we are going back to Konos - a hands-on, projects and discovery learning, unit study curriculum that I used for three years when I first started homeschooling. I lured some friends in with me (who had previously used Konos, too) by offering to write wonderful lesson plans for them. SCORE! They're in, and it all works out (it didn't take much luring, though, since they were all wanting to go back to Konos in some form. Once you do Konos, nothing else feels right!) So I could tell you about these amazing plans I've made, and how I am done with plans for August through December. Or how those plans have been typed, formatted, printed, put into a binder and passed out. Or I could mention how I am currently working on the plans for January through May, and how I only have 6 weeks left to plan...but that might be tooting my own horn. ;p
I might mention how I played paintball with my oldest two kids for the first time, and it was a blast! I think I might need my own camo pants.
Or maybe I could tell you about how I have the best husband ever, who upon seeing my ardor and success doing the GAPS diet, bought me a yogurt maker and a VITA-MIX! YES! A VITA-MIX! It's just the best most amazing blender in the world, in case you didn't know. So now I make smoothies and all sorts of things daily. I have at least one smoothie a day, filled with the likes of kale, nuts, fruit, and coconut butter. Which leads me to thoughts like, "Why did God make peaches fuzzy? I hate that fuzz. It's offensive, really."
But what I have been thinking about lately, is prayer. I have been thinking on the differences of prayers. I have just been through the hardest few years of my life to date. Harder even than the years surrounding the time when Dan and I came home from college pregnant; how I wish I had known the Lord then! But in spiritual hindsight, it is so clear how He used all that to draw me to Himself. Our Fia is such an amazing blessing, such an awesome kid; I know He's used her - certainly in my life - to grow me. But in thinking through these tough times, the emotional toil, I got to thinking about desperate prayer versus fervent prayer. I feel like the prayer in these last few years has often been the "rescue me" prayer of desperation. The kind of prayer that is hanging by fingernails over the cliff of insanity, gripping to a knowledge of God's goodness, even though the churning waters are rising. Those have been the prayers for me that were often chokingly wordless. These were the prayers that just spilled out with sighs and tears.
Lately, as the waters have started to recede, and I can realize that the rock has been so solid under my feet...that those swirling waters have washed away the muck of the pit I thought I was in. He was solid under me the whole time. I am in a place now, finally, where I am seeing some of what God has taught me and Dan through all of this. How He's used the dark moments to crystallize and illuminate both my and Dan's dreams and gifts. And as this emerges, I've realized that my prayers have gone from desperate to fervent. My prayers are still often of the "Please, God" type. But instead of being "Please God take this away, I can't do this anymore," they have become "Please, God, create in me a clean heart...and renew a steadfast spirit within me" type prayer. I have been praying more along the lines of begging Him to let these dreams He's given me line up with His will for us as a family. So, often that comes out as a "Please, God"... you know, while I am doing laundry, cooking dinner, or weeding the garden. But what I have realized these types of prayers have in common is this: "We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express" (Romans 8:26). I know that it is the Spirit working in both of these kinds of prayers, both fervent and desperate...I can rest in knowing that God hears all of them, and He KNOWS what each means. I have learned that, "Those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of Sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father!' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children" (Romans 8:14-16). "Abba" is a close, affectionate term for Dad - like "Daddy" or "Papa." I can cry out to him as "Daddy" - I don't have to be afraid, and I can trust that God, and the Spirit, is interpreting all the groans of my soul. I am His child. HE is GOOD. So He wants good for me. Whether desperately or fervently, I can wait, patiently, to see how He's leading me. Pray with me please, for patience, for wisdom, for a heart that is pure for service - not praying selfishly? Pray please that my dreams and God's will are aligned?
Caught by His web,
MamaWebb
Isaiah 43:1-5
